Historically, there has been acceptance and acknowledgement of the very distinct differences in the psychology, biology, and personality traits of men and women. Male qualities are typically described as more dominant, tough, competitive, productive, logical, and goal-oriented, while female qualities lean towards being more sensitive, cooperative, empathetic, emotional, gentle, and community-oriented. While some of these characteristics are learned and can be influenced by social and cultural factors, others are inherent in our genetics, chemistry, and biology.

Traditional masculinity has been on the decline for quite some time now, as more and more males are being brought up in a society focused on the influences of feminism and forced gender equality. Boys are no longer encouraged to be assertive, competitive, or to take leadership roles, and they are taught to be more vulnerable, nurturing, and passive. In a role reversal, women are encouraged to be more ambitious, progressive, and self-sufficient. Females are more successful in school, and recent studies indicate that women graduate from colleges and universities at a rate of 3:2 over men. Women are also starting to dominate the workforce, successfully operating their own businesses, and assuming roles in positions traditionally reserved for males.

Despite the push in recent years for gender fluidity, acceptance of gender confusion, and blurring the lines between the sexes, study after study consistently shows that men and women are inherently different, and I believe these differences should be celebrated and embraced as opposed to being looked at as something negative or detrimental. Although I am all for the concept of equity, and I see myself as a strong, independent female, I am both disgusted and disheartened by the lack of manhood in America.

To be clear, I am not in any way bashing homosexuality with this post. My thoughts and comments are based on my experiences in relationships with straight men who have either lost or given up their manhood, or who were never truly exposed to strong, positive male role models in the first place, so they never developed the skills and character traits to act like men instead of boys. I am also not promoting or approving of unnecessary violence or abusive behavior when I talk about masculinity. Those are not masculine traits, they are signs of weakness and insecurity.

Additionally, I am not opposed to women being in positions of power and influence. Clearly that would make me a hypocrite, as I have successfully worked in traditionally male-dominated career fields for most of my life. I fully believe in economic equity and opportunity for men and women. However, I also strongly believe the cultural shift that has focused on erasing elements of traditional masculine traits and demanded the abolition of “toxic masculinity” has been one of the key factors in the downfall of men in America, which has contributed significantly to the downfall of the country as a whole.

Growing up in a liberal urban environment, I was rarely exposed to what I now refer to as “real men.” Although I had a very strong and positive male role model in my stepdad, he was a product of the World War II “Greatest Generation,” a model of manhood that has sadly fallen by the wayside. Regardless of what stage of my dating life I was in (ranging from my late teens to early 40’s), I rarely met guys my age who had even a hint of my stepdad’s quiet confidence, sense of honor, and outgoing, kind nature. Instead, most of the guys in my dating pool seemed to be insecure, over-emotional, directionless, self-obsessed, or overall just soft and mentally weak.

In my early 20’s, there was the deadbeat stoner skater who lived in his mom’s backhouse and spent all day getting high and chilling out with his cats. He was incredibly smart, talented, and attractive, but he was also unmotivated, unambitious, and had no drive to do anything productive in life. And yet, I dated him for almost 5 years.

In my late 20’s, there was the arrogant advertising executive who, although driven and motivated career-wise, was completely obsessed with himself, his Porsche, and early onset baldness. On average, he spent 45 minutes meticulously applying gel to his slowly thinning bleached blond hair, and I can’t even count the times I sat and waited impatiently as he meticulously examined his head from every angle in the mirror to check for imperfections before leaving the house.

In my mid 30’s, there was my emotionally detached ex-husband who was an incredible and well-respected police officer, but who didn’t know how to communicate in a relationship and spent most of his downtime playing endless hours of “Call of Duty.” There was no basis of friendship in our marriage, and he talked more to our dogs than he did to me.

In my late 30’s there was the physically fit and very handy Home Depot manager who was great at communicating but ended up being a complete emotional wreck with a shit ton of personal issues. When he literally broke down crying one night that he didn’t have time to clean his bathroom because he was spending time with me at my house instead, that was the end of the relationship.

There were a handful of other guys thrown in the mix, all broken in some way. Most of them were mentally and emotionally beat down by complicated divorces and nasty ex-wives, party boys with commitment issues, or guys that I walked all over because they were subservient and didn’t have any backbone. So, I guess that begs the question, what do I consider a “real man?” In hindsight, I guess it also raises the question of what the fuck my issues were that I continually got into relationships with guys like this in the first place, but that’s a story for another time.

As far as my views on manhood are concerned, it’s not about being the breadwinner of the family or sticking to traditional roles of male and female responsibilities. For years, I made more income than most of my male partners, and I never had an issue with that. It’s also not about a man needing to work in a high-testosterone blue-collar career field to prove his manhood, although I do find it incredibly sexy when a man is physically fit, confident in handling firearms, and knows how to build and fix things. So, I suppose it’s fair to say I definitely gravitate more towards men who have some type of manual labor or military background and self-sufficient survival skills.

However, that said, I don’t want a Neanderthal, sloppy, brute of a man either. I like a man who takes pride in his appearance and looks good in a suit, a uniform, or nothing at all. But I also want a man who isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty and who drinks real coffee, not a fucking soy latte. What’s with the capri pants and sandals? The deep plunging v-neck crop top t-shirts? The man buns and headbands? The pajama pants out in public? I don’t know a single female who finds that shit attractive.

Yes, I think it’s awesome when a man will confidently hold my purse if I need a free hand while out shopping, comfortably hang out with me and my girlfriends at lunch, or even go get a pedicure with me. But those things are just icing on the cake. At the end of the day, be a fucking man. If I wanted a soft and effeminate partner, I would be with a woman.

I went through a lengthy phase in my youth where I was heavily involved in the goth and punk scenes throughout most of high school. I hung out with the “weirdo” guys who had pink or blue hair, wore makeup, and had all the piercings. But the buttons and pins on their jackets were names of bands, not buttons that stated, “I identify as She / Her.” They weren’t the weak, soft, delicate, gender-confused, unmanly guys like the young males I see who dress like that today. They still carried themselves like men and had the testosterone to prove it.

When I think of a “real man,” I envision someone like my stepdad, I guess. Someone who is kind, courageous, responsible, honest, funny, smart, and strong. Someone who knows how to carry on a conversation with ease and can comfortably adapt to any environment. Someone who always gives a good, firm handshake and confident, friendly eye contact when meeting another person. Someone who is loyal and has integrity. Someone who puts his family’s needs first and places emphasis on personal responsibility and taking accountability for his actions and behaviors. Someone who speaks out when necessary and stands up for what is right. Someone with a positive sense of purpose and a love of adventure.

Yes, I am a hopeless romantic, and as much as I am a strong, independent woman who is completely capable of taking care of herself, I want a strong, capable man who wants to take care of me. I want a gentleman who holds me in the highest esteem and puts me on a pedestal in the sense of loving, honoring, respecting, and protecting me. I want a man who is able to express his feelings and emotions, but one who also has a stoic and fierce nature and would not hesitate to stand up for me, fight for me, and die for me, if it came down to that.

Basically, I want the whole courageous knight in shining armor thing, but without me being the helpless female character. I want the modern-day version of the movie “Tombstone” with a Kurt Russel style Wyatt Earp to my Dana Delany version of Josephine “Josie” Marcus. I want a man who is not only my lover, but also my ride-or-die best friend.

Maybe my version of a “real man” seems like a unicorn in today’s world, but I don’t think my views on what a real man should be are extreme, or even unusual. Most of the women I know feel the same way I do. As much as I love and appreciate the freedoms and equality I enjoy in my life that have been fought for and hard won by the women who came before me, the scales have tilted way too far in the opposite direction, and women are largely to blame for men losing their ability to actually be men. It’s a depressing culture that we now live in.

I don’t believe manhood is completely lost, as I know many amazing guys who are loving, protective, and strong fathers, husbands, and role models for younger males. I honestly think that growing up in an urban environment where males didn’t really have to engage in any of the roles traditionally associated with masculinity and hard work had a huge influence on the generally lazy, feminine, and unmotivated qualities I saw in most guys.

The only real exception to this was when I worked in the fire service and in law enforcement, which are both fields that tend to attract more manly, assertive, and dominant men. This was especially true of my male co-workers who had prior military experience and who often had side job or hobbies that involved hunting, fishing, or construction work. However, it really wasn’t until I moved out of a large metropolitan city that I saw more frequent examples of real men outside of my work environment.

Living in a somewhat rural area, I am surrounded by hard-working men, women, and families who assume more traditional gender roles, as many of the lifestyles here are associated with farming, ranching, and factory or manufacturing work. The only time I really see the meek, soft, gender-confused guys with the dyed orange hair and politically correct t-shirts is when I’m waiting in line at my local coffee place, where they are inevitably wearing pajama pants at 2 o’clock in the afternoon and ordering a soy chai latte. These are the college students who are getting mind-fucked and confused by our corrupt education system. Otherwise, it’s strapping, strong men in jeans, boots, and cowboy hats, walking with a confident swagger and politely saying “Good morning, ma’am” while they hold the post office door open for me. And my heart beats a little faster every time.

Mental weakness, lack of purpose, laziness, lack of motivation, lack of direction, and lack of confidence in a man is not attractive. In fact, these things are a complete turnoff. I don’t know a single woman who wants a soft and uninspired man as a partner. It’s time for men to step up their game, grab themselves by the balls, and re-establish their manhood. Get on that horse, sweep a lady off her feet, and be the man a true woman wants to ride off into the sunset with.

Unapologetically Outspoken,

Tara