Several months ago, I wrote a blog post about leaning into the quiet. The overall premise of the article was about how sitting in silence every now and then can help you connect to your truth and intuition to find the answers that are already within you but you’re too busy or distracted to acknowledge them. And I still stand by this belief. But what happens when there’s so much quiet that you don’t want to lean into it anymore, and you feel like you’re starting to go crazy being alone with your own thoughts? Because that’s where I was for the past 8 days.

After living in a hotel for almost a month, we moved into our new home a little over a week ago. The first couple of days were a bit challenging with no heat and no hot water, but once we got that figured out, things have been going fairly smoothly, and I’m starting to get into a daily routine. The house itself is huge – 3 stories with 9 rooms and 3 bathrooms, which is way more than 2 people need (and larger than any home I’ve ever lived in), and it’s also a bit dated with old furnishings and oddly painted rooms, but I’m just grateful we found a house to rent within our budget that allowed a large dog, so here we are. And honestly, I’m kind of starting to love it.

 It took Miss Millie (who I am now thoroughly convinced is not a purebred Newfie as the breeder claimed, but is instead a Newfie-Retriever mix) a few days to adjust to living with these very scary contraptions called wood stairs, but after getting some carpet pads for the stairs and slowly coaxing her up and down on a leash to show her she wasn’t going to be swallowed alive, she’s adjusted like a champ. Plus, I think she’s pretty happy to have a yard again, even though she’s driving me nuts with her sudden obsession with barking at her reflection and anything else she sees in the floor length windows of the living room, including the leaves that frequently flutter by in the wind.

But as usual, I digress. My point is that I think we are all happy to be out of the hotel and settling into our new home, despite the challenges of learning how to use the heating system and other unfamiliar appliances with confusing Czech instruction manuals. I have never been so out of my element and grateful for the wonders of the internet and Google Translate, as I would be lost here without this technology. So, I guess that’s where this post is headed – the realization of the extent of my reliance and dependence on the internet and WiFi. Because that’s what was missing in my life for the past 8 days up until yesterday. Fucking WiFi.

Before I start sounding like a whiny little bitch, yes, I recognize the “first world problems” tone of this post, but I truly didn’t realize how much of my life revolves around WiFi and the internet until now. Living abroad in a country where I have no friends or family and I don’t know the language has been incredibly eye opening for realizing how much I rely on modern technology. Having WiFi and internet access is how I communicate with my friends and loved ones back home and do FaceTime calls. It’s how I follow the news and do research and connect with Stephanie on Zoom to record podcasts. It’s how I participate in my multitude of online programs and courses. It’s how I stay in a state of gratitude by listening to inspirational podcasts and videos on YouTube. It’s how I entertain myself with reality tv shows on Netflix and Amazon Prime. It’s how I fall asleep every night with my Aura app playing in the background. It’s how I get my workouts in at home with my Peloton and Les Mills apps. It’s how I create and post these blog articles. It’s basically how I connect with the world outside of myself.

Are these all things I can live without? Technically, yes. And to be fair, I have embraced many aspects of the simplistic beauty of a tech-free, vehicle-free life since moving overseas. I take Miss Millie for long walks every day. I’ve reignited my love of reading by sitting down with a book while enjoying my morning coffee instead of watching TV. I spend time exploring my neighborhood and taking in all the amazing architecture. I walk two miles each way several times a week to go to the nearest gym. I stop in local pastry shops and indulge in purchasing a freshly baked treat or a cappuccino that I enjoy while I walk home. And I absolutely LOVE doing all of these things. But one can only walk around the neighborhood for so long. And for the past 8 days, when I returned to the house, I was faced with the overwhelming quiet. The stillness. The maddening silence of life without WiFi. And it was driving me fucking crazy.

So, about 6 days in, I walked to the nearest electronics store and bought myself an old school plug-in AM/FM kitchen radio just to have some background noise to keep me sane. I didn’t even care if the noise was in English or not, but lucky for me, a good portion of the radio stations here play songs in English. It seems the Czechs love early 2000’s techno and one hit wonders from the 80’s / 90’s. Throwbacks from Alice Deejay, Scooter, and Ini Kamoze (“Here Comes the Hotstepper…”) are frequently played, along with a truly terrible dance song I’ve become obsessed with called “Captain Jack” by, you guessed it, Captain Jack. If you love cheesy dance hits, you must look this one up. It’s fucking fantastic. Even better if you watch the video.

But, music musings aside, I think the most significant thing I learned about myself during these 8 days without WiFi has been the stark realization that I’ve been relying on technology and all the activities it enables me to engage in to keep me from going down the rabbit hole of my own mind and confronting my deepest thoughts. And in this new life in a foreign country where I’m by myself 80% of the time, WiFi has so far been the primary thing that has kept me from feeling terribly, terribly alone. Or at least it was for the month we were living in a hotel where I had access to WiFi every day. Of course, I am not discounting Miss Millie. She is my heart and soul and my best companion, and she has been here for me every day, but let’s face it, she’s a dog.

The irony of the situation is that I’ve always been so busy in the past that I’ve had to intentionally make the effort to carve out time when I’ve wanted to lean into the quiet, and now I’m in a position where I’m purposely trying to avoid doing so. But, as always, the Universe will throw a brick at you when you don’t listen to the whispers or even the screams. And my brick came in the form of 8 days of no WiFi, opening the floodgates to a rush of emotions, fears, and insecurities I’ve been suppressing that have now come kicking and screaming to the surface for air. And now that these energies are breathing freely on their own, I can no longer push them back down below the surface. Nor do I think I want to.

Yes, I am aware that I sound like a broken record because I brought up my feelings of dissatisfaction about where I’m at in life right now when I wrote about turning 50 and having a midlife crisis in my last article. I guess it’s fairly obvious I’ve been struggling with the fact that I have no fucking job, my sense of self-worth is suffering, and I feel like I’m contributing nothing and doing nothing of importance or purpose in my life anymore. But I don’t think the depths of how I’m feeling truly hit me until this past week without WiFi.

Being alone with my own thoughts for an extended period of time (if you can call 8 days an extended period of time…) has shown me that not only am I not where I want to be in life, I’m also not truly where I thought I was from a mindset perspective. I am nowhere near as “spiritually evolved” as I thought I was becoming. I guess I convinced myself that if I could just stay busy enough with all these self-development courses and online classes and daily practices, I would feel enlightened and high vibe and happy.

What being forced to lean into the quiet has taught me is that I’m not totally comfortable with the truth of the darkness and chaos and disappointment that exists deep inside my brain when there is no constant chatter and buzz of technology to uplift me or distract me from the circumstances that I am unhappy about or dissatisfied with in my life. And the fact that I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m at peace and in a state of contentment by distracting myself with all of these things now seems absurdly laughable. Because in the end, you can’t hide from yourself and your own truth. Eventually, it will brutally smack you in the face.

I honestly don’t know where my path is leading right now or where these realizations will take me, but what I do know is that I have a long way to go in becoming the person I want to be. Much longer than I thought. So, I will continue to work on myself, every day, even if I take two steps forward and one step back. And, in typical Libra fashion, I will continue to seek balance in my life. I don’t think I’m quite ready for anything like a week-long silent meditative yoga retreat, but maybe after this experience I’ll rely a little less on the internet and a little more on myself . That is, after I catch up on those missed episodes of 90 Day Fiancé…

Unapologetically Outspoken,

Tara